It’s been a few days since I am in the latest wave of my spiritual and personal healing journey. The first time I’ve been fully aware of something is a bit off was last Friday, 5 days ago. Even days before that I said to a friend “I think Im angry”, but that really just was the start of it and most of the time I’m looking for the good in each situation and trained myself to focus on the positiv rather than on the so called negative. I do think each emotion is helpful if you don’t stay in it for too long and so can anger be a good motivation to change for example.
I did not have much of a drive the last days. Thoughts like “I just can’t to anything productive” ran through my mind and literally through my whole physical and emotional body. A week ago I twisted my right ankle, five weeks before that the left one. So I also felt physically instable. Monday my lower back started to hurt and I knew something was going on but I couldn’t really figure out what it was. Yesterday it all bursted out of me after everything seemed to went “wrong” or at least more difficult than expected. Small tasks overwhelmed me, I wasn’t ble to focus and when I went to Wells to feed the birds at the Bishops Palace with friends I literally felt like shit. It was almost unbearable for me to be with them seeing me like this. All I wanted to do was to hide till I am on the high vibrational disc, till I am easy going, funny and enjoyable again. It was even hard to be with myself in that moment so how could anybody else want to be with me and choose to stay in my life after they have seen that I am such a mess every now and then?
In the afternoon I started to talk to my roommate and I could feel all the emotions coming up to the surface. Anger, Judgment, Fear, Insecurities… Against other people and their behavior and against me. The fear of people leaving cause they saw my madness, my shadows, my wounds. I’ve moved around 18 times within the last 13 years so being in one place, as I found out now, gives me the anxiety that when people get to know me better they are going to leave. People are leaving all the time and most of the time it has much more to do with their own personal journey than the reason being directed to me personal as a human being. Its always a weird balance between holding on and letting go.
So often, especially spiritual aware people are just focusing on the light, supressing their shadows, trying to hide them. But the last days showed me that true liberation comes from intergrating the shadows and accepting ourselves for all that we are. That’s how we become whole again. Not by any other being comforting our wounds (tho that is nice of course) but it starts within us, to not be ashamed of our weakness, our darkness. I also think that we should be mindful with these parts in ourselves and at least try to not hurt or cross other peoples boundaries. So far it seems like I need to find a balance between being fearless and open and express all of me and on the same time honor other peoples needs and boundaries. Open conversations from a place of love and compassion seem to be so important. Still learning…
All of this came with the next Level of “speaking up for myself”. Funny enough life leveled up and I’m not just doing one thing after the other. Nooo…. give it to me all and at once. Far more exciting and challening. Pre-School time is over 😉
In the last days I was also in the process of clarifying what it is that I need and want when it comes to all kind of relationships and situations in my life. To be honest, I still am in this process and it will probably never end as life is continuinly bringing us contrast to identify even more of what it is that we want and what not. Anyway, sometimes we need to be honest to ourselves and the people arround us when our wants and needs go in different directions. Standing up for yourself and communicating these things can be a scary thing as a) I dont want to hurt people and b) I dont want to be hurt in return neither. But every act of selflove and self respect is helping us to grow in our true authentic self and by doing so we can be an example for others and allow them to do the same. I think that awareness is a main key for the healing process and if we are all aware of the fact that we are all more or less fucked up, we can maybe have the compassion that we all are trying our best in each moment. So after Pre-school I feel like: “I have no clue whats going on and how to survive it”.
I’ve learned about patterns, shadowwork, wounds, traumas, healing, awareness, mindfullness and that love is actually a frequency. I get more and more aware of the things that need healing within me and also of the things in other people. I can see why they act and behave in a certain way which I’m not sure if thats a good or bad thing as it makes me more compassioned (good thing) but again let me find excuses for those people to cross my boundaries (must be a good thing as it helps clarifying even more what I want and what not plus it gives me opportunity after opportunity to speak up for myself)… well I guess either way it all must be a good thing then. And the waves help me to see those things within me even better. So apparently we are a bunch of fucked up weirdos re-acting out of our wounds and traumas or let’s say the patterns they have created.
If awarness is the key, I need to be aware of myself, I need to be able to self reflect on what it is that other people or situations trigger within me. Its like we are a Guitar,… maybe an organ cause that far more complex, and we have so many different strings within us and they vibrate and resonate when you play them and therfore make a sound. So basically EVERYTHING that annoys you, makes you sad, angry, EVERYTHING is just someone or something touching a string within you that now resonates and you can feel the vibration. They are just touching an unhealed part that you now have the chance to be aware of even more and bring a bit closer into healing. Such a beautiful mess! You can’t really blame anyone but yourself which is probably making you even more angry. Oh what an act. But I’ve experienced, if there wouldn’t have been the unhealed strings within me, no one could have played them that way. If the string would have been healed, it wouldn’t have made this terrible sound… which is an interesting comparison as the instrument is out of tune. Isn’t that amazing? Now you can tune it and the music that is going to be played on it, or shall I say on you, is going to be more harmonious again. Such a blessing.
Sounds quite easy when I write about it, but to practise it can be a challenge. As I find myself saying “I want an instruction for myself” I may start making notes to guide me and maybe others who feel inspired by this as well:
- Self Reflection. What is it that is still unhealed within me? Why am I re-acting angry, sad, frustrated etc.
- Self Awareness. Be aware that people and situations are just playing on the strings inside of you making them resonate and vibrate so you can do 1. and self reflect on what it is that is unhealed to do more of 2. shine the light with your awareness on these situations.
- Act instead of re-act. That’s how you step by step create the new you with creating new different behaviours. When you get triggered DO NOT immediatley reply but breath, do 1. and 2. and get in your heart again and find your balance. You are allowed to take your time in this process. If the communication was in person, speak open about you being triggered and that you need a bit of time right now to be able to continue the conversation from a more balanced place.
- You have made a big progress with not immediatly responding and reacting out of your trigger and fears. Congratulations! Well done!
- Continue the communication from a more balanced and heart centred place, speak your truth openly with love and compassion. This doesn’s just help you on your healing journey but also the other person involved. If you sense the person get triggered acting out of their patterns, make him or her aware and give them the tools to overcome them.
- Thank you for doing the work. Not just for you but also for the collective!!
Text: Julia Sieckmann
Photos: Rag’n’ Drone Man